What to Expect: Part 2

I used to have an hour commute home from work every day. My daughter, Harper’s dance class was on my route home, so on those days I would time it so I could pick her up on my way. This was our pattern for several years and a great time for us to connect one-on-one and talk about our days.

One particular day when Harper was about six years old I went into the dance studio, watched the last few minutes of class, greeted her with a big hug when she got out, and then we were on our way outside to the car.

Typically bubbly and cheerful, she became unusually quiet on the way to the car. On the ride home, I kept asking how dance class was, how her day at school was, things about friends, and she was giving me a bit of a cold shoulder. After several minutes of silence following my prying, she finally just said: 

“You don’t like my new tights??”

Now let me stop for a second and explain something. Harper had worn the exact same thing to dance for the past several years. Black leotard and pink tights. Maybe there could be some noticeable variety in the leotards she wore, but the tights? Any new ones would look exactly the same as the previous pair, right? How was I to tell? Nonetheless, “You don’t like my new tights??” This is where we were.

I’d been here before. A few solid years of marriage had brought me to this same place. There was an unsettling bit of familiarity to it. 

So I respond with, “Oh! Did you get new tights? I’m so sorry! I didn’t notice! They look so good!” On the inside I was laughing to myself. Someone could have given me 10 guesses for what was different about her, and I never would have gotten to new tights. But she had built up a scenario in her head, expecting it to play out like this: She runs out from dance class wearing her new tights. I see her, and I immediately notice and am impressed with the new tights, and therefore I make ravishing comments about their newness and niceness. 

Having her expectations unmet left her with disappointment. And as her dad, it made me sad that I didn’t fulfill what she was hoping for. And also a little terrified for her future husband.

Unmet expectations. The key to so much conflict and disappointment. We see it between husbands and wives, parents and kids, neighbors, co-workers, each relationship we have can be plagued by them.

I see this with clients too. “I know the stock market goes up and down, but I didn’t expect my portfolio to go down!” Or, “I hired an advisor, so I don’t understand why I’m still overspending.”

Our expectations can be really powerful if they are unmet, and they can lead to a lot of frustration. I set my own expectations when starting this business as well. More than once I said “I’m going to take Fridays as a day to catch up on reading, maybe learn Spanish, and get back into playing the guitar.” Well I’ll tell you that is not even close to what Fridays look like for me!

The first step to addressing expectations is to simply recognize that you have set an expectation. Then you can step back and think about whether or not the expectation was realistic and how you should handle the situation if it’s unmet. Sometimes just having awareness can make all the difference. Identifying the expectation automatically sets you up to realize it may not play out the way you’ve planned it in your head. 

If you have an expectation that your investments will go up a certain amount each year or that your spouse will cut back spending, it can save you some grief just to acknowledge that may not be how it goes.

Our family still jokes about this all the time. “You don’t like my new tights?” is our standard way to address it when someone doesn’t acknowledge a new haircut or an exceptional meal prepared or a freshly mowed lawn.

I asked Harper how I should end this post, and she said to tell all of you, who are not Avant clients yet, “you don’t like my new business?!?”